In the journey of personal growth and well-being, the first step I often bring into a client’s awareness is the establishment and maintenance of healthy boundaries. Boundaries are like invisible fences that protect our emotional, physical and mental well-being. They provide us with a framework for healthy relationships, self-care, and personal empowerment. 

Relationships unfortunately can and do exist without boundaries. Perhaps this is the number one driver of people to therapy. Depending on your gender, age, and cultural context maybe you haven’t been familiar with the integration of boundaries in relationship. Maybe you see them as mean, harsh or cruel. Often times it can seem as if boundaries can prevent of us from getting our needs met. At the beginning of this journey we must admit that the ways that we have functioned to get our needs met, although functional at times have resulted in harsh consequences, draining our energy, resources, and self-value. There is an easier way. 

Boundaries benefit us by promoting mutual respect, strengthening self-esteem, maintaining a sense of personal identity, and nurturing healthy connections. Let’s use an example of a neighborhood here. When working functionally it provides a sense of community, camaraderie, and connection. When working dysfunctionally it can be the source of sheer misery. Boundaries make neighborhoods work. Property lines exist to delineate one space from another. They are invisible. They say this is mine, and that is yours. In healthy environments that may be all we need. 

Sometimes though, we aren’t exactly the healthiest, and perhaps the people we are interacting with in the world aren’t at their best. Let’s imagine a neighbor who consistently lets his dog into your yard. At first you may have to remind him of the property line, but when/if the behavior continues you’ll need to do something else. That might look like establishing a stronger boundary.  Imagine you put up a real fence. This is essential to the work of boundaries. You cannot stop your neighbor from letting his dog wander into your yard. You can choose to accept it and learn to live with it, ignore it and grow resentful, or set a boundary. Boundaries are always about what you will or will not do. Boundaries are not about controlling the behaviors of others. 

Along these lines, boundaries are evolving and functional over time. They are not static and unyielding. Perhaps the dog doesn’t bother you so much anymore so you install a doggie door in the fence. Or to the other extreme, maybe the wooden fence wasn’t enough and you need to install an electric fence to ensure your property is protected. As is generally our process as humans, we vacillate between the ditches of the road in our learning until we find the sweet spot of the middle. Don’t be afraid to continuously re-evaluate your boundaries to see if they are working for you. 

Today, I urge you to begin by reflecting on your needs, values and wants. What is life giving right now? What is life draining? Are there places you can begin to establish boundaries in order to improve the quality of your life in this moment?