Mom guilt. It's a thing. Pervasive, persistent, and always there to tell you what you are doing isn't good enough. To be fair, I had mom guilt before I was a mom. I bet you did too. It's just called guilt. However, before responsibility for the emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being of others it was pretty easy to write that off as someone else telling me what is best. Now, not so much. Or maybe it's that everyone else seems to know what's best. You too? I thought so. This is not an area that I have conquered by any stretch of the imagination. It's a place I'm learning and I bet you are learning too. So here's what's working for me.
First off, Mom guilt is in fact not actually guilt. So we've established that it's not exactly for moms and now that it is not guilt. So basically it doesn't exist, problem solved. They all laughed and lived happily ever after. If only it was that easy. We know it's not. Anyway, mom guilt is not guilt. Guilt is the feeling that comes from intentional harm to another. None of us in the history of ever are actually trying to harm our children. I don't know that I've actually ever run into a person in the course of my life who is going out of their way to harm another, just because they want to be maleficent. It's just not that simple. Humans are kinda messy and we do things for a lot of reasons, but generally, we do think we are doing the right thing when we are doing it. So it's not guilt. What I'm leaning into is considering it to be more like fear. That's what it feels like in my body and that psychologically makes more sense to me. Fear essentially tells us we are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Every single time I experience mom guilt, this is what's happening. I'm at work and I should be at home. I'm chatting too long with their Dad when I should be talking with them. I'm enjoying a coffee solo. Wherever I am is not where I should be, and that is dangerous.
Herein lies the problem. Feeling danger when there is in fact no danger is a sign of emotional dysregulation. Remember a few weeks back when we talked about emotional regulation and specifically the threats at the grocery store? Here's where that comes in handy. Unfortunately, because we've slapped the label mom guilt on it, we are less likely to consider it to be an actual problem within ourselves. Instead, we have chalked it up to part of the process of growth into being a good mother. Let me be clear here, lack of emotional regulation is normal. Most of us were not taught how to handle our emotions, but it is not healthy. Furthermore, the resentment and confusion that build from this denying of our realities do so much more to destroy our parental bonds than to strengthen them. You can tell yourself stories all day about what or why you are feeling what you are, but that does not change the truth in your heart or mind. So now is the time to embrace the fear signal of danger. Are my children really unsafe? Look for external cues. Wonder what makes you feel unsafe? Am I truly destroying them by not being nearby? Perhaps it is simply the discomfort of change. Do you or I need this emotion of fear to further guide us here. Most of the time no. We can choose to let it go.
After we have moved out of the initial 20 minutes of distress that comes from mild to moderate emotional discomfort, it is time to start to re-examine what our values are. The "should-be"s have gotten us again and it's time for re-alignment. What YOU value, truly value, defines your should-be's. Unfortunately, for most of us, our should-be's are set by generational, cultural, and/or traumatic experiences that hold no real truth or value for us individually. Automatically accepting those shoulds as the truth about where or how you are to be, results in disaster. That is of course not to mention never getting where or what you want out of your life or parenting journey. So define your shoulds. What do you actually value most? What do you want the major takeaways to be out of your parenting journey? For me authenticity gets top marks, so it's okay for me to say "Hey I'd rather do something else than play Legos with you again." For you, playfulness may be at the top, so you may drop the schoolwork to shoot hoops in the driveway. Make your own rules. You'll be glad you did.
Parenting is hard enough. Let's not let emotional confusion, poor regulation, and lack of self-awareness make it any harder. This journey is a long one spanning many more than the 18 years you signed up for. The good news is that it starts over every day. We get chances to realign and redirect every hour. Are you ready to stop letting mom guilt wreck your life too? What values are you choosing to set at the top right now?